Faith Today - July/August 2013

Family Matters More
than Work
many men prefer the workplace to home
– and feel bad about it.

Frank used to spend Thursday and Friday evenings with his friends from work. As soon as he clocked out he would head down to the watering hole and spend a couple of hours kibitzing. Frank is missing those times. These days he goes straight home because his wife needs relief from the demands of looking after two preschool children.

Something about Frank makes him believe going home is the right thing to do. But he envies his buddies and is beginning to resent the expectations of his family. He feels he’s been snagged like a trout on a fishhook, dragged away from fun and plunged into work without a paycheque.

Even if he couldn’t hang out with his pals, he could have put in a couple of extra hours. They could use the extra money too.

Steve’s kids are older and he works in mid-management for a major corporation. The 45-minute commute is driving him nuts. He wonders if he’ll be home in time for a quick bite before he needs to be at the soccer field. Or is it baseball today? Piano lessons? He can hardly keep it straight.

Meanwhile, they’ve been cutting back in his department. His workload is growing and he’s beginning to be concerned his job might be on the chopping block. There’s so much to be done. It’s hard to do it well. He needs to produce more. And yet he finds himself running kids around in a minivan and discussing the weather with soccer parents. There has to be a better use of time.

Common Problem

Frank and Steve are typical Canadian men. For some reason they believe their relationships matter more than their occupations. But their feelings belie the belief. Both are torn between their longing to be at work and domestic duties. Even when their bodies are at home, their minds are preoccupied with workplace issues.

Let’s face it. Children are inconvenient and demanding. They’re even likely to interfere with a man’s relationship with their mother. It’s hard to keep loving. Work is more predictable. Work can seem more satisfying. Frank and Steve are feeling bad that they’d rather be busy with their jobs than hanging out with their families.

But neither shuts off his BlackBerry.

Promise Keepers Canada president Kirk Giles says this tension is not unusual. “One of the most common prayer requests I hear from men is that God would help them turn off their work when they are at home with family,” he says.

Is this all-too-common discomfort the product of good guilt, the well-applied pressure of a healthy conscience? Can God help men like Frank and Steve get their actions more in line with their beliefs? Can they learn to be properly present with their loved ones instead of longing to distance themselves from household demands?

Presence Matters

The men who ask for prayer are on the right track, and church isn’t the only place that tells them fathers make important contributions to their children’s cognitive and behavioural functioning.

Sociological evidence shows a father’s ability to set appropriate limits and structure children’s behaviour positively influences problem solving and decreased emotional problems, such as sadness, social withdrawal and anxiety. In other words, active fathering makes for better-adjusted kids.

Being there matters. No man on his deathbed regrets that he spent too much time with his family and not enough at work.

But how do we turn what we know to be healthy into something we truly desire? Acknowledging a problem and seeking help are excellent first steps. Learning to depend on a higher power is an important move towards overcoming any addiction, including workaholism. Prayer can help.

Perhaps those men who ask for prayer to help them bridge the divide between work and home should be the first to practise that kind of prayer – alone and with friends.

Begin alone. If you have a commute, use the time to ask God to help you switch off work and turn your heart towards home. Pray for your spouse and children by name. Speak to God about their issues. Look for ways in which you could be helpfully involved. Nurture the desire to be present to home and family.

And if you have friends with similar concerns, try praying aloud with them. The encouragement of “brothers” will strengthen your ability to cultivate enduring relationships. Duty can become desire. The satisfaction of spouse and children is a greater reward than workplace success. Ft

DOug KOOP of winnipeg is a freelance writer and spiritual care provider. Find more of these columns at www.theEFC.ca/BlessedIs Theman. There's a video clip with this article. View it at www.faithtoday.ca/summer2013page47.